The truth the first time
by Charmed Dark Alias
Summary: What would have happened if Mary had told Matthew the truth about Pamuk the first time he proposed
1. Chapter 1

**The Truth the First time**

**Plot: **What would have happened if Mary had told Matthew the truth about why she wouldn't give him an answer to his first proposal?

Mary made her way up to her mother's room, she couldn't believe what had just happened. One minute she and Matthew were talking about Sybil and he crush on Matthew and the next they were kissing passionately. It had definitely not been what she had expected when she had woken up that morning, but now she felt something burning deep inside of her, a feeling that was telling her that although she had never consciously realized it, it had been something that she had longed for, for a far longer time then she had realized that she actually liked Matthew.

But it was just that kiss that had Mary's head in a spin. It wasn't the kiss that had propelled her toward her mother's room at this late hour. It was what Matthew had said after they had broken the kiss, that had confirmed feelings inside of the both of them for months. No it wasn't the kiss that had brought her here, it was something of far greater importance and promise.

Mary knocked on the door quietly before entering the room. She immediately saw her mother sitting upright in bed and reading a book. Maybe it was far later then she thought it was. But Mary knew that she had to tell her now or she may not get another chance to tell her when no one else was around.

"Mary are you alright?" Her mother spoke softly as she lowered her book and placed it on her night stand.

"Oh yes fine, Matthew just got away….." Mary's mind was racing with what it was she had to say, the implications of it upon her, her mother and even Anna her honourable lady's maid. But she knew she had to do it and her mother had to be the first to know.

"Oh yes it was nice of him to help out this evening. I don't know what could have happened if he hadn't been there." Cora was really starting to wonder where this conservation was heading way was it that her eldest daughter had felt the need to come up here to tell her that Matthew had got off ok, when he always did.

"Yes very good indeed…He asked me to marry him" Mary watched as her mother's face changed rapidly between one of shock to one of absolute delight.

"Oh Mary that is wonderful, what did you say?"

"I said that I would think about it , of course ….but mother I have" Mary was cut off by her mother asking the one question that if the answer was yes that would mean that she would most likely to accept Matthew, but she wasn't sure about letting so much of her feeling out to her mother. But it was on that she could instantly answer.

"Do you love him?"

"Yes I believe I do, I think I might have loved him for far longer than I knew I did….. I have to tell him the truth, I have to tell him about Pamuk." Again Mary sat and watched as the delight and happiness vanished from her mother's face, replaced with one of sadness and horror.

"Why?" it seemed to be the only thing that Cora could manage to get out, yet it was also the one thing that she desperately wanted to know.

"I do not believe it would be right for me to accept him and not tell him, it would be lying to him and I don't think that it would be any good to either of us. I know he will probably take it back when I tell him but he has to know."

Just as Mary finished Robert entered the room with a quizzical look upon his face. As much as Cora wanted to, she was unable to try and convince Mary that she didn't have to tell Matthew. Cora still believed that it would be far, far better for the family that Robert not find out about Mary's night with Mr Pamuk.

After making some comment about husbands and wives not sharing the same room, Mary left to go to bed herself and think about how she was possibly going to tell Matthew the truth about her past. She didn't want him to despise her as she was sure he would when he found out, but she had to tell him, otherwise she would feel that she would be living a lie.

After apologizing profusely to Anna for keeping her up so late she closed her eyes and all she saw was Matthews's face, calm and beautiful in the autumn sun looking back at her, as they sat silently on the bench under the big oak tree not far from the house. The pleasant day that they had been enjoying under the sun soon turned to horror when Matthew disappeared into thin air, and the sky filled with thick dark thunder clouds. She tried to run back up to the house but she seemed to just run on the spot the bench got further and further away but the house wasn't getting any closer. But she continued to run as the rain started to pour down, drenching her to her very core. Pamuk's voices rumbled loud and clear the word that he had spoken that night so long ago, "Don't worry you'll still be a virgin for your husband". The words kept repeating and getting louder with every step that she took.

Mary woke with a start, bolting so that she was sitting upright in her bed. She looked around the room trying to comfort her with the familiar sights, breathing deeply trying desperately to calm her racing heart. The light from the rising sun shone through under her curtains and she heard a couple of the maids scurrying around downstairs lighting the fires and plumping the cushions. Figuring that there was no point in heading back to the nightmare land she had just left, she rung the bell for Anna. She thought that she would get dressed, have breakfast and then go for a walk through the grounds.

The ground were peaceful and quiet, exactly the opposite of what was going on inside her head. Her head was spinning with questions and worries of what would happen if she did tell Matthew.

What if he despised her?

What if he never wanted to see her again?

What if he left Downton forever because of her?

What if …..What if he ran and told the papers straight away, about Lady Mary Crawley and the Turkish Ambassador's unwholesome night together?

Although Mary doubted that that would ever happen, she was sure the honourable side of Matthew would hold out and he would keep her secret even if he did end up despising her.

Her absent minded wondering through the grounds had led her to the old classical temple, where her and her sisters used to play hide and seek as children with Cousin Patrick. Mary couldn't help but think about how things had been so much simpler then. With her mother not consistently nagging her to marry, Edith and her actually getting along most of the time and not having to entertain the old neighbours that mother ordered her to entertain during dinners.

She sat against the one of the pillars of the old temple pondering the questions that raced in her mind. She knew what she had to say, although she wasn't sure how she was going to manage to say it. Mary had never been one to get scared easily but this terrified her, she didn't like everything she had ever worked toward and the friendship she had formed with Matthew resting one conversation.

Although she became more and more terrified the longer she sat there pondering the questions, her resolve never faltered, she never doubted that she would tell him.

She sat there for hours, alone under the remains of the temple with the sun beating down onto her pale white arms. Trying to think about how she was possibly going to be able to tell Matthew. How was she possibly going to bring up that horrid conversation that she had been avoiding for so long?

It was then that Mary noticed a dark figure heading toward her from the house. They seemed to walk with purpose and strength. As the figure came closer Mary was able to tell that it was a man heading toward her.

That blonde hair and slightly tanned skin was unmistakable. It was him it was Matthew heading toward her across the lawn. As Mary stood to greet him she made a decision about when to tell him, hoping that she would find some way to tell him gently and get him to understand how much she regretted the decision that she made that night more than anything in the world.

As they walked toward each other there was one thing in her mind. One thing that made the questions instantly disappear.

_It's now or never_


	2. Chapter 2

As they got closer to each other, there was no mistaking the look of sheer happiness on Matthews face as he approached Mary. That look just made Mary feel more guilty about what she was about to say, she knew that the second she told him what she had to say. She knew that the moment she told him that look of pure happiness he has now will be replaced with one of anger and disgust.

"Cousin Matthew, what a surprise. What are you doing here so early?" Matthew smile grew the closer they got and even wider when she started to talking, if that were even possible.

"I thought that we might take a drive and have a picnic, just see where the road takes us." It didn't go unnoticed by Matthew that Mary's face got darker with every word that he spoke. "Mary is everything ok?"

"Matthew I have to tell you something,… but I know that you will despise me the moment I finish telling you." Confusion spread across Matthew's face as he watched Mary become more nervous than he ever thought possible, at least more nervous than she would ever let anyone other than Anna ever in a million years see.

"Ok … but I hardly think that anything you have to say, would ever make me despise you." Matthew's comforting words however did very little to loosen Mary's highly strung out nerves. She looked up at him savouring the beautiful and peaceful look in his eyes thinking that it would be the last time that he would ever look at her without hate in his eyes for the rest of her life.

" Don't say that…." She took a deep breath and looked directly at him. " promise that you won't say anything till I finish" Matthew nodded his agreement still extremely confused as to where this conversation was headed, but also how on earth they had gone from her saying that she would think about his proposal, to having a conversation that she believes will make him despise her.

She watched his face as she retold her story of her night with Kamal Pamuk, it was the first time she had ever told the whole story to anyone. Anna and her mother knew what had happened but not the full story. Matthew would be the first, she needed him to be the first because he was the one that would be affected the most, but also because somehow he had become the person that she trusted the most over the last few months.

His face was somehow contorted it was if his face was trying to express a million emotions at once, and had somehow got stuck between absolute horror, disgusted and sorrow. It pained Mary far more than she ever imagined, to see him look at her that way. She wanted to run and hide, but she knew that the pain that the look was being caused by her. It was her fault that he was looking at her that way.

When she had finished she sighed deeply allowing the air to rush through and penetrate every fibre of her being. Matthew looked at her a moment and then turned around putting his back to her. She knew that she had hurt him and that knowledge hurt her. She hadn't wanted to be the cause of Matthews pain she didn't want him to hate her. But she was sure her decision to tell him was the best things she could have done. It would have been far worse if she had married Matthew and then for him to find out.

"Matthew say something please even if it is just good-bye" Mary struggled to stop the sadness and the pain she was feeling seep into her words she had always prided herself on keeping her emotions hidden from the high society she had been brought up into and she didn't really want to start now.

"Did you love him?" Matthew's voice sounded broken he had never came close to being able to hide his emotions even the simple ones. He couldn't identify what it was but there was something shredding at his heart.

"No, I didn't love him." There was one part of Mary that longed for him to turn around and face her but there was another part of her that didn't him to turn around for the fear that if she saw the pain that she was positive that would be written all over his face, would kill her the second she saw it.

"Then what was it?" Anger seeped through his voice as he turned to face her, and for the first time since coming to Downton he was able to read the shock the was screaming out from every feature of her stunning face.

"It was lust Matthew, It was lust" the pain and the sadness that had consumed Mary, filling her heart that she had tried so much her entire life to protect from emotions or pain caused by others, had been made futile, in the few moments it took him to turn around. He just stood there looking at her trying to sort through and interpret all the emotions that were rolling around inside of him. When he realized that there was no way that he was possibly going to be able to sort out what he was truly feeling about the situation whilst still standing in front of Mary.

Matthew took a couple of steps back to the house, hanging his head slightly looking every bit like a broken man and turning so that his back was to her again. When he was about ten feet away from her he turned back around to face her.

"I have to think about this…. I have to think about everything that you have said" With that he turned around and walked away, leaving Mary in the green field with tears staining her normally priestly clean face. Every single millimetre of her being was aching, she was in more pain then she ever thought possible. She looked back to her childhood home and took a breath but couldn't make her feet move instead she just stood there by herself staring back at Downton.


End file.
